Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, attempts to buy a pizza from Little Caesars
by Loodlelood
Summary: This tale is one of tragedy. Of a king without any snacks in his pantry. Will our hero make it to Little Caesars? Will he enjoy a pizza uninterrupted? Will he change his uncaring ways? Will he work through his flaws and make a great metamorphosis into one who might love others and be loved? Probably not.
Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, attempts to buy a Pizza from Little Caesars.

It was indeed beautifully sunny on that fateful summer's day, as Gilgamesh sat watching his garden water itself. It had indeed been a tedious task training his favorite flowers to tend to themselves, but he was Gilgamesh. Given this fact the flowers were not inclined to disagree, nevermind the fact flowers are non-sentient. The great king of heroes then left, being carried by the various JoJo's Bizarre Adventure cosplayers in his employ, and sought out his pantry so that he might locate anything which might satiate his ravenous hunger.

What the somber ruler found however was not likely to deliver that which he sought.

"Why the fuck did I store that mongrel black hole in my pantry?"

The nearby servants knew that their liege made some rather poor decisions whilst drunk, though they knew better than to say as such. All but Jerry that is.

"M-my liege y-you were drunk, and well you see…"

It was upon catching wiff of abhorrent disobedience that he shot a sharp glare of disapproval Jerry's way. Jerry then exploded. Fuck you Jerry.

"Fuck you Jerry."

"Fuck you Jerry." The grand king's subjects agreed.

It had been some many months since the Holy Grail War had been won by Gilgamesh's cunning "Actually Trying" strategy. Gilgamesh had of course changed his wish to obtain a larger pantry.

This wish however was rendered null and void, as Gilgamesh had then chosen to keep the rampant black hole in the previously mentioned pantry. He had wondered what black holes ate. Everything apparently.

Gilgamesh pondered intently on the next logical course of action, and decided to watch a four-hour long video attempting, and failing, to explain the plot of Warhammer 40k.

"Oh what misadventures will those genocidal xenophobes get into next?" he wondered, whilst making a personal note to force the company higher-ups to stop preventing plot advancement.

"That damnable omnipotent wish-granting peasant has mildly inconvenienced me for the last time. How the fuck do you kill a black hole?"

Then he decided to grab a pizza at Little Caesars.

"I require nutrients." Gilgamesh realized, content in the belief he would obtain this pizza soon.

Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, then loaded himself onto the grand chariot he had decided to fashion hoping to impress Iskander.

His pimpin ride was naught but the picture of extravagance. The body was built entirely of a deep, intricately carved mahogany engraved not in the usual gold, but platinum. Gilgamesh had found it strange that this silver looking metal was found to be even rarer than gold. The internal seating of this vessel was lined with an impossibly rich crimson satin. Random rose petals were also scattered around the innards of the grand chassis of this testament to superiority.

Gilgamesh grabbed hold of the reins and gave a firm and authoritative pull.

The leashes fastened around the necks of four separate indentured servants. Each voyer drove a Bugatti Veyron Super Sports cars, but Gilgamesh himself was the true driver.

For indeed Gilgamesh was the true everything.

Gilgamesh set out to escape his mountainous estate and traveled down an empty freeway at ridiculously illegal speeds, and approached closer to coachella with every breath.

A single bald eagle was born alone without protection in the nearby desert, and immediately killed a rattlesnake. Also liquid Snake. The eagle would feast on their corpses for the next few weeks, until it was strong enough to liberate the Middle East in the name of freedom.

"Ah America" he said in wonder.

"Fuck you Jerry." the eagle replied.

The carriage arrived within the city limits and found an adequate establishment a few miles in. Parking on something referred to as a "children" our hero set out to have multiple fog machines set up within the vicinity of where he planned on entering from.

Afterwards, from within a great commotion could be heard. Gilgamesh had elected to demolish a wall and strut inwards, mist trailing behind him as though a glorious cape unparalleled in its light refracting splendour.

"Hello yes please. I shall purchase a the slice of pizzas." Gilgamesh declared, momentarily deciding he was above the use of proper grammar.

"I'm s-sorry sir but you just, kinda, well you smashed our oven." the small female cashier spoke meekly.

"Worry not small little thing for, just as I am King of Heroes, I am also King of Frycooks."

"But we're talking about pizza."

"Well shit stained mongrel alters, the fuck am I going to do now?" Gilgamesh stated as he realized the crowd that had gathered. How fucking dare they.

"I now know that which I must do. Imma take yo pizza's." Gilgamesh declared whilst summoning from his infinite vaults of treasure a sword comprised of compressed "1860 Watermelon Bills" each estimated to be worth $3.2 to collectors.

"And now pizza will begin." Gilgamesh, heir to reality, told his soon to be victims.

"I am the bone of my good boy points."

Gilgamesh was suddenly made aware of a mysterious voice permeating the premises.

"Greentexts are my body, and shitposts are my blood."

Gilgamesh grew mildly concerned, but calmed down when he thought about his Darth Revan x Barry Benson fanfiction.

" Unknown to naptime, nor to timeouts."

"What would Kirei do? KIREI TAKE THE WHEEL!" our glorious ruler exclaimed.

"Have withstood great parental disappointment to get my father to buy many chicken tendies."

"That sentence didn't even have proper grammar at the beginning." Gilgamesh responded, devoid of irony.

"Yet, those hands will never hold fuck you jerry."

"Fuck you jerry."

It was then that Gilgamesh was made aware of an oddly moody fully grown man pouting to his father who looked severely disappointed. He faintly recognized the father and thought he held some connection to Kirei, though he was sure of the identity of the other.

"Anon." The King of Heroes intoned.

"And so I pray, Unlimited Tendies Works." This mysterious man finished.

With the closing of this accursed chant the earth beneath began to shift. Vents of flame, searing the very air, began to erupt and enclose the combatants. With the swirling flames dissipating the horizon beyond was revealed to have changed, and Gilgamesh looked on with hunger.

A vast desert, the distant view broken by the occasional mountain or valley, was littered with protrusions of seemingly infinite chicken tendies. Gilgamesh, owner of all, was disgusted by the sight.

"Fucking mongrel tendies! Pizza is the superior cuisine! Before my regal majesty, your good boy points are as the shits of peasants!"

With a flourish of flamboyance Gilgamesh struck a pose reminiscent of JoJo, and opened his dreaded gates of babylon. With remarkable haste, he began to fire a barrage of Kingdom hearts III and Half-Life 3 disks. Gilgamesh watched in utter disgust as they were all parried by precise tendie swipes.

"My fucking games!" He roared in absolute hatred for this arrogant fool.

It was then that this mongrel dared to place judgement on our glorious king, and with a flourish of elegance he struck Gilgamesh down.

Gilgamesh fell slowly to the ground and realized something about wishes and the cruel twists of fate.

He was in his pantry. The wish made for a larger pantry had simply bestowed onto to him a copy of another, and the proud king realized that he was the fake.

our true and just ruler fell into a black hole, and realised his pride had masked the presence of these chicken tendies. If he hadn't been so arrogant things might have turned out differently, yet he was blinded by his own tears. They were the tears of a man isolated by his own perfection.

"Fuck you jerry." He whispered whilst fading.


End file.
